We could call it, for example: Target Plus. Or Target Ultra. Or Target 5.0. Or we could do like Apple does and use animal names for each new edition of the Target store: Regular Target would become Target Housecat, and Super Target would be Target Panther, or Target Mountain Lion or Target Liger.
(Sidenote: This is the actual store that I work at, and that rock in bottom of the picture? One hundred percent fake, which I find strange because if there were a real boulder in the middle of the sidewalk, we would probably have to get rid of it. But I forget that fake scenery has so much more charm than real nature when you live in the Suburbs. Probably because it comes with a price tag. Remind me later to blog about that fake tree statue by the mall. But I digress.)
What exactly do I do within the bowels of Target Liger, you ask? I work in two similar, but also inexplicably different departments, the Bakery and the Deli.
Contrary to what the pictures imply, we never use rolling pins in the Bakery, the Deli is in technicolor, and most of the employees have faces.
But we do get to wear aprons. And ridiculous bakery hats that ALWAYS make me think of bonnets. Basically we look awesome all the time. Danielle came by the other day and took this picture of me while I was working in the Bakery:
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| Notice the hat. Also notice that the neck straps on the apron are ridiculously long, so the apron actually does nothing to keep my red shirt clean. ALSO notice my coworker, Amanda, trying to hide behind me as she holds my arms back so I couldn't escape while Danielle took my picture. |
I was originally hired as a Bakery employee and they said they would cross-train me to work in the Deli, to get me closer to 40 hours a week, but I have been working mostly in the Deli. Which I like, except for when i have to do to the rotisserie chickens, because raw chicken kind of freaks me out. They are slimy and cold and have goosebumps. And I keep half expecting something like this to happen --->
But don't worry, I'm pretty sure I could beat up a naked, decapitated chicken if I was forced to.
Other than daydreaming about reanimated chicken, I do lots of things in the Deli. I make sandwiches. Lots of sandwiches that I wrap up and stick in the cooler for our guests (never customers, always guests) to purchase. I ask the starbucks workers to make samples of whatever drink I'm craving. I also slice meat and cheese with one of these babies:
They're fun. And a little dangerous. But mostly fun. Sometimes a slice of meat or cheese will get caught in the blade and then fling across the room in random directions. My goal is to hit somebody. Think about it, how funny would it be if you were just walking around your friendly neighborhood Target and you get hit in the face with a slice of Swiss? Okay maybe not so funny if I hit a guest, but a fellow employee? I can't wait for that day to come, and believe me, it will come.
In the bakery I don't actually bake a lot. We have bakers that do that. Sometimes I bake cookies, and occasionally I "bake" artisan bread, but that bread actually comes to us already baked and frozen, and we do a second bake that heats it up and makes it fluffier...I think. Sometimes our cake decorator will let me decorate a cake. And sometimes people ask me to write on the cakes, which is fun. The great thing about the bakery is that it smells sooo good. Like freshly baked bread. Or freshly baked cookies. or both. And sometimes I come home and I smell like it for an hour or so and it's great.
We also get to give cookies to kids that come by, and that's my favorite part. That and when parents bring their kids by and let them choose their own birthday cake. When that happens the kids get SO excited about it.
The other day a little boy (probably about 6) was flipping through the book and yells, "A STAR WARS CAKE?!?!? That. Is. SO COOL! IAN, THEY HAVE A STAR WARS CAKE!" At which point a little boy about 3, who I'm going to assume is Ian, comes running over going "Star Wears! Star Wears! Star Wears!" In the most excited voice. It was stinking adorable.
And speaking of star wars, This video is awesome. Mostly because they're all dressed up in Star Wars costumes but they just sing the song like normal and don't make any sort of comment about it at all.
The other great thing about the bakery is the samples. We always have samples out, like cookies or cupcakes or bread or brownies, and the package that the samples came in (which contains the rest of the bownies/cupcakes/bread/cookies) sits behind the counter for us to eat at our leisure. I don't actually know if we're supposed to or not, but everybody does. (Rationalization at it's finest!) But seriously, even the store manager comes by and eats our samples, so I figure it's okay if I do every now and then. Yeah... working here is going to be GREAT for my figure.
Well there you have it. My whole life in one entirely too long blog post. In the end, between the little kids, the baking, the raw chicken handling/cooking, the slicing and especially the sandwich making, I am learning to become the perfect stereotypical housewife. Awesome.
