Once upon a time, I went to college. I was a cute little baby-faced 18 year old full of smiles and hidden anxiety. Everyone had told me, "College is great because you can really just be whoever you want to be! It's a fresh start!" And I believed them. The problem was, I wasn't sure exactly who I wanted to be. Should I be the indie-art girl? The nerdy book-lover? the super social one? The dedicated to school one? The mysterious, quiet one? I didn't know, but I knew that I had very few friends going to Rexburg with me, so I would have to choose someone to be. Some person to become with this supposed "fresh slate" I was given.
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| Hopefully you all know where this comes from. But if you don't, it's from X-Men First Class. This character is Darwin, or Morph, because he adapts to survive. There's this awesome scene where he actually dies, but he morphs into like a gazillion things first, and that's what I picture when I talk about my silly "trying to create a new me" phase in college. Trying to morph to fit these imagined situations in my head, and as a result, not being able to actually be anything. |
The few days before leaving I was packing my stuff, like most college kids do. Quite literally everything I chose was deliberated over with the idea that all of the people I met would be looking at each shirt I wore, each bobby-pin, each picture on my wall, and formulating an opinion about me based on their opinions of that. Even my pajama shirts were subjected to this weird judgement. "I'll bring this shirt because it shows I was involved in high school, so they'll know I'm social. I'll bring this one because it says "Party Hero" on the back and that will make me seem fun. I'll bring this one because it's an EFY shirt and they'll know I also like spiritual things..." Etc etc etc... It was ridiculous I tell you. Not to mention gave me ridiculous amounts of stress.
Everything I did was based on this idea that I could choose who I wanted to be. That I could become an entirely new person and "start fresh" at college. Now, I hope everyone knows that this is a ridiculous lie that people tell you just to make you excited for school. Of course you can't change your personality with the ease of flipping over a coin. You can't go back and cleanse your persona of 18 years of trauma and damage and personality-shaping experiences simply because you move to a new place and don't know anyone. It didn't help, of course, that there were about 17 "New Emily's" that I wanted to become, and I didn't know which one to choose. So my first few days at school were full of a lot of posturing, of saying things that would help whatever supposed "new me" I was choosing to be that hour. I wanted people to know that I was artsy and creative, but not weird. I wanted to be super social, but not annoying. Spiritually strong and grounded but not "Molly Mormon". Smart and introspective, but also adventurous and fun. I don't know if you were keeping track, but that's a lot of things for any one person to become, especially overnight. Needless to say, I made a lot of weird first-impressions on people. Which I didn't find out about until 3 or 4 months later, when the effort of trying to write on this "new slate" had made me lazy and I was finally able to relax, stop trying so hard, and just be.
My room-roommate, Kaylin, who later became one of my best friends, thought that I was super quiet and weird and only wanted to sit in my room and listen to John Mayer and that I didn't like to have fun or smile or laugh.
Another roommate, Jaide, who also later became one of my best friends, thought I hated her and was super mean.
One kid thought I was ridiculously pushy and annoying, because I kept asking him if he remembered my name. (Why? I have no clue. I was just so stressed out about creating a new me.)
Several people thought I was incredibly negative because all I could talk about was how great Colorado was, and how different (read: better) it was (is) than Idaho. (Sub-conscious home-sickness? Probably. Definitely. But let's be real, Colorado is the best place on earth, so how can you blame me?)
Others were under the impression that I was bipolar, crazy, weird, and even twins.
And the list goes on. But I'm already embarrassed enough, so I'll stop there.
I know, it's shocking that I even made friends that semester, what with being the most ridiculously fake and insecure person alive. I'm surprised too, no worries. Let's add to this stress the fact that I had never lived on my own before, had no idea that baking every other day would make me fat, and was in a really weird time of personal, emotional and spiritual change and wandering. Basically, I was a huge mess. Luckily, I hid it pretty well, so hopefully most people just thought I was this weird, eccentric, super-freak, as opposed to a weird, eccentric, super-freak on the verge of a complete emotional, spiritual and mental break down. Actually, I even hid that from myself, and I didn't realize what a mess I was until almost a year later, when I was much more stable and normal and way less of a super-freak.
I don't remember where I was going with this post, to be honest. Actually, this is not at all what I was intending to write about, but I'll go with it. So let's make a list, because I like lists.
How Not to be a Super-Freak Your First Semester of College
- Accept that there is no such thing as a "clean slate," or "fresh start." That sounds depressing, but it's actually a very good thing. We are the sum total of our experiences, whether good or bad, and if a sudden life change like, maybe, moving 800 miles away to college, could suddenly erase all of that, you would be wandering around like drunk person in a laser tag zone. Totally disoriented, overwhelmed, and bumping into walls like nobody's business. You would have no sense of self, direction, or idea how to relate to other people. Believe me, I tried it, it didn't work. (The clean-slate thing, not the drunk laser tagging, although I have played laser tag with drunk people, and that's actually super funny.)
- Wear things because you want to, not because you think it'll give other people a certain impression of you. Because it will end up with you wearing something absurd, like sweatpants with a dressy top and curled hair because you think that will make people know that you can be casual and cute at the same time but really they'll just think you suck at getting dressed.
- People don't need to know every aspect of your personality all at once. This was my main problem, I think. I was paranoid that people would get the wrong impression of me, so I tried to give them every impression of me at the same time, which is silly and confusing. So here's the thing, I get it. You're multi-faceted and interesting and there is oh so much more beneath the surface for you. But don't try and shove all of that amazingness down people's throats the first time you meet, mmmk?
- Eating dessert every 2 days will make you fat. Your jeans don't fit anymore? Yes, it's because you're growing, but ladies if you're in college, chances are you stopped growing upwardsw like 2 years go, and the only way you're growing now is outwards. That's not a good thing. Hit the gym and hide the baking products.
- Relax. This is what I was not good at. I was super stressed about making friends and having a good impression on everyone, so I was pretty much incapable of actually being myself. That stress manifested itself in me being unable to stress properly about my schoolwork and ended up with me watching a gazillion hours of netflix and like 4 seasons of Chuck in as many days.
- Sitting in a cute pose and looking hot will not make boys come talk to you. I don't care if you're the cutest girl ever, if you sit by yourself, without talking to anyone, you're not going to get asked on any dates. My first semester, I thought that looking cute was enough to get attention from guys, but the problem is this: The guy/girl ratio at BYU-I is about 3:1. Three girls to every one guy. And you know what? Chances are at least one of those girls is cuter than you, and the other girl is out there starting conversations and being more awesome than you. So in reality, looking cute really is not enough. Stop lying to yourself and go start some conversations and make friends. My first semester, I went on 2 dates. Just two. Both of them were weird. My second semester, once I started making friends and talking to people (and not being a super-freak) I was going on an average of 2 dates a week. That's a big difference.
- People don't really care about you. Again, this sounds bad, but hear me out. People do care. I care. Someone cares. Don't go jump off a bridge, please. What I mean by this, however, is that people are way too concerned with their own lives to pay attention to what you wear, how you decorate your room, or how many times you've done your hair the same way this week. Even if they do notice those things, they definitely don't care enough to start making conjectures about you based on that. So relax, do your hair how you want it, wear what makes you comfortable because you like it, not because it says something about you. Say what you want to say because you want to, not because it'll make something think a certain way about you. Once you realize this, you can relax and be yourself and then you'll have infinitely more fun. I promise.
