I'm Realizing That I Suck at Making Blog Titles.

Anyone who knows me knows I suck at phone communication. If you send me a text, chances are you won't get a reply for a few hours. Or days. Or ever.  It's not because I'm ignoring you, or "playing hard to get" (Which is another blog post altogether). The problem is just that I simply forget, or get distracted, or I can't think of a response immediately, so I put my phone down, the message screen goes away, and several hours later I catch myself wondering why you never answered my text, only to realize that I never actually put the response in my head into a text message, so it was never sent. My bad. 

I'm trying to get better, I promise. But that is not the point of this blog. The point is, that rule applies to other areas of my phone as well.

My phone has a camera on it. I don't usually use it, because it's not the highest quality, But ocassionally I'll see something that strikes me as funny, and I'll take a picture of it, intending to upload it to Facebook. Then I move on with my daily life and forget about the picture, only to realize days or months later that I never actually uploaded the picture, and most the time I can't even remember why it was funny in the first place. 

So today I was going to write a post about the absurdly high amount of traffic my blog has been getting from strange countries and cities (like Olangapo, Philippines, or Bac Ninh, Thua Thien in Vietnam) All because these people search for some version of "Bakery" and get directed to my post about the secrets of Target Bakerying. So i was looking for a specific picture in my phone to accompany the post. This picture, to be exact:

And I found a TON of other lost, neglected, crying pictures just waiting in the deep abyss of my 4 gig memory card for their moment of fame. So this is for them. Enjoy!

 I found this on a cart at Target. Which is normal, I guess. Except for the fact that our carts are not, in fact, equipped with self locking wheels, and Target is not a mall. It is not next to a mall, similar to a mall or even near a mall.

It makes me think that this cart came to us from some Target in a far off land that actually IS located in a mall. Then I think that this cart has probably seen more of the world that I have, and that makes me sad.  Regardless, the sign is irrelevant and likely to confuse the incredibly brilliant guests at Super Target.

 I took this picture over a year ago, on my second or third day in Idaho. It was in Idaho Falls, where I had gone with Amber and Lucas to buy things for my new room, like a bedspread and hangers. I saw the book and thought "Only in Idaho would they think that a potato is the world's favorite vegetable."

  This sign says "Streaking Is Illegal in Rexburg So We Install Wiper Blades!" Punny, Rexburg. Punny.

 This was also in Rexburg, and probably would have been accompanied by the caption "What began as Longboarding/bike riding at the park with Kaylin Jacobsen and Jaide Van Wagoner ended as me buying everyone Kiwi Loco. Deliciously inexpensive friendship. I LOVE REXBURG!!!"

They would have then been tagged in the photo. I miss Kiwi Loco. It was way better than the Fro Yo here.

 Exit No Name. Love it.

 One morning in my fall semester of school we woke up to this plate of pumpkin cookies and note on the table, left by our roommate Kathy, who was going out of town for the weekend. Proof that Rexburg is home to the nicest people on earth.

 I came home about a month ago around 1:00 am to find Eli fast asleep on the couch. Which isn't unusual because eli loves sleeping anywhere that's not his bed. But the couch has been pulled right into the middle of the room, which was actually fairly unusual.

Sequin covered Uggs.  These just disgust me. In so many ways.

 This is my coworker Caleb. We wrapped him in saran wrap one day. He loved it, clearly.

 This is my nephew Jacob and my little brother Eli this past Thanskgiving I think. Jacob was standing there beating out a pattern on the tile above the fireplace and Eli joined him and he LOVED it. It was adorable.

 Another one from my days in Rexburg. This is proof that winter comes too early in Rexburg. Even the trees get surprised and end up half bald.

These caution statements were ALL OVER a box that came into the Deli at work. Which would be normal, except the box contained nothing but a digital cheese scale. But it's good to know that the scale causes hazards to humans and domestic animals... Wild ones, however, seem to be safe from the dangers of weighing cheese.

Odwalla Orange Juice contains not only happiness, but double rainbows too! Take that, Simply Orange!

This is my BFFAEAE Brett Evans. The picture on the left is him wearing my super rad jacket in Rexburg Idaho after we enjoyed some delicious custard in Porter Park. On the right you'll find him many months later, wearing the same jacket but sporting a super rad molestache. Also notice he classied up the strings by adding a bow. What. A. MAN.


Alright, dear blogdom, that's all I have to share for this post. It's in a moment like this, the closing paragraph of a post, where i always feel like I should add some kind of "In Conclusion..." statement that includes a deep life lesson presented with a funny little joke so it doesn't sound too preachy but still leaves you with a pearl of wisdom that will stick with you for the next five minutes until Pintrest takes over your brain leaving you staring zombie-like at the screen for an hour and a half.

...How's that for a run-on sentence? But I digress. Except really I don't. But now I do. So back to my original statment: I digress.

The point is, I always feel like I need a conclusion to posts. But I never have one because -- in case you haven't already noticed-- my posts really don't have a point, aren't all that well-thought out and are mostly just adding to the vast landfill worth of useless ramblings on the internet. The end.

Blah Blah Blah Target Deli

In the Deli: ( a sequel to "A few boring tips about the Target Bakery")

• We make our sandwiches, wraps and salads every morning, but most of them get between 3 and 5 days on the floor. Check the dates to get the freshest product.
• We have a Panini Press and we're happy to grill any sandwich or wrap for you. The Turkey Havarti sandwich grilled is insanely delicious. Except for right now we're not allowed to use it because my manager's going a little crazy.
• If you're looking for something from our hot case and we're out, ask us to fry it for you. The potato wedges, wings and chicken tenders only take about 6 minutes. Fried chicken takes about 20.
• Need more dressing for your salad, or want a different kind? Just ask. We'll give you more for free.
• The thinner you want your meat sliced, the longer it takes to reach the weight you want. Don't get impatient if you asked for 3 pounds of shaved turkey and it takes a few minutes.
• If you ask for 3 pounds of shaved turkey, I will be fighting the urge to kick you in the shins with every one of the 4,000 times I have to push the slicer back and forth.
• Don't talk on the phone while you place your deli order. It's rude and you almost always order the wrong thing, then get mad at me for it. 
• We have to unwrap every different type of meat or cheese you order, and sometimes we have to open new chubs. When you come in and order two slices of 6 different kinds of meat and 3 slices of 4 different cheeses, we do hate you a little bit.
• Be nice to us, and we'll be nice to you.
• It's almost impossible to get the exact weight you ask for. Don't be upset if you asked for half a pound and you get .55 instead. 
• You use more meat on sandwiches than you expect. About a 1/4 pound of meat per sandwich on average. That's only about 4 slices. 
• Old men are the most particular about the way their deli meat is sliced.
• If you are an old man or particular, we're willing to work with you to get it sliced the way you want. Once it's the right thickness, ask what setting the slicer is on and remember it for the next time you order. That way it'll be just the way you like it every time.
• Not every deli has the same slicers. The setting 2 at King Soopers/City Market is a lot thicker than the setting 2 at Target.
• Don't order five different amounts of five different things then wander away while we slice, unless we write it down.
  
• If you're not sure if you'll like something, ask us for a sample slice.
• Baby Swiss cheese is incredibly delicious. As is Havarti. Try them. 
• Market Pantry meats are not good. Healthy Ones brand isn't that great either. If you want high quality, order the Archer Farms or the Kretschmar brand, but ask to try a slice before you order.

In General:

• If your hair and makeup are perfectly done and there are no sweat stains, we know you didn't just come from working out, so don't bother trying to act like it.
•  Jake Jabs from American Family Warehouse shops in our produce section about once a week. He's a LOT older than the commercials. And he regrettably leaves the baby tigers at home.
• The cameras are crazy powerful. Our security guard can sit in his office and follow your movements around the store with incredible ease. He can even zoom in to read the labels on the merchandise you're buying.
• When you bring your small children in at 9:30 pm, expect them to go crazy and throw a fit. They should be in bed, not waiting for you to pick out new mascara.
•  Upper middle class trophy wives love Spandex. Why they think they should wear it to Target every day... I'm not sure. Unless they're shopping for a new husband, in which case they should know:
• Women shop during the day, Men shop at night. Old people shop in the morning, teenagers shop in the evenings, and famous people shop never. Except for Jake Jabs, who comes in the early afternoons.

A few boring tips about the Target Bakery

After having spent roughly 40 hours a week, every week for 5 months within the bowels of Target Liger, I have made a few observations. Read them. Or don't.

• If you want fresh donuts, get them in the morning. They're made fresh every morning, so by the time 9:00 pm comes around, they've been sitting out for about 14 hours.

• If you want fresh pies, get them in the evening. At the end of every day, we throw out the things that are set to go out the next morning. If their "best by" date is the 15th, we throw it out on the 14th, and then replace it with a fresh one. The pies go out every few days, so when we bake them, we usually don't set out the ones baked that day until the very end... between 7:00 and 9:00 pm.
• We don't mix anything. Ever. Our baker gets all of her dough frozen, our pies come frozen, our cookies come in frozen cookie dough chunks, even our cakes come pre-baked and frozen. The french bread is still delicious though.
• Our artisan breads only get 24 hours on the shelf, and we do a bake twice a day, one at 10:00 and one at 4:00. That's when those specialty breads will be the freshest.
• If you don't find what you're looking for in the cake case or on the shelf, ask us. We usually have a ton of everything in the freezer.
• Yes, it is unreasonable for you to come in at 5:00 pm and order a cake for 9:00 pm that same night. Don't get mad at me for telling you no.
• If you are partial to anything and want to make sure that there are some when you come in, call us. We're happy to set some things aside for you.
• Decide what cake you want to order before you call us over to take the order. We don't have time to sit there while you call six people to see if they're coming to the party or not and whether or not you should get filling, the 1/4 sheet or the 1/2 sheet.
• We give out free cookies to kids. And we love it.
• Don't abandon your merchandise on our shelves. I don't care that you decided not to buy your two year old that ipad. It doesn't belong with my bread.
• The few days leading up to any holiday are when we put all our holiday goods on sale. After the holiday we price them at 50 or even 25% what they were a few days before, because we need to get rid of that stuff to make room for our new merchandise. It's a killer deal.
• The hot chocolate cupcakes are addicting.
• We do notice if you send your kid up at the beginning and the end of the shopping trip to get a cookie. We don't care. They're free.
• The only difference between crunchy french bread and soft french bread is that the crunchy french bread bags have holes in them. Want crunchy french bread? Leave the bag open for a few hours.
• Floured Telera Rolls and Club Rolls are the exact same thing. We just dump flour on the Telera Rolls before putting them in the bags.
• No, I don't know where foot cream is. I don't know what cut of meat is best for making that weird foreign dish. I don't know if we have kid's shoes on sale. I don't care if you get mad that I don't know. I work in the bakery.
• When you call Target looking for the Electronics department, don't press 2 for Bakery just to avoid listening to whole recording. The Bakery phone can't transfer calls, so you are going to have to call back and listen to the recording anyway.