Boyfriend...Ish

Warning:This is a fairly lengthy post. Sorry in advance. Also, I really love comments.... hint hint.

The summer that I turned 17 is when I had my first boyfriend. (Unless you count those two weeks in sixth grade when I told Chad F. I would be his girlfriend and then we never talked except for on AIM. Actually, we went to the mall once with another "couple" and dared each other to hug. And once he invited me to sit next to him on his bean bag chair in class and I did because I felt like I had to but it felt weird and I hated it. But I don't count that, so neither should you.)

Back to the point.

The beginning of that summer saw me just getting out of my slacker, ditch-at-least-once-a-day phase, starting to get into art for real, and absolutely loving being single. I neither wanted for myself, nor understood why anyone my age would want a boyfriend.

This is how I felt about my friends "needing" boyfriends and being "in love". Also how I felt about having one myself.

The beginning of summer also brought with it the annual Stake Youth Conference, which is where I met this boy. He was confident, had a great sense of style, and had just moved here from Mexico the year before. (Which will come into play later on, in probably another post.) We flirted and hung out all weekend. The conference ended, we left without exchanging information and I didn't care at all.

The Sunday after the conference I got a phone call from said boy on my home phone. He said he had looked up my number in the Stake Directory and invited me to go to his ward youth fireside that night. (Oh the mormonism!) I drove down to Castle Rock, went to the fireside, and when I went to drop him off at his house we sat in my car and talked for four hours straight. We talked about flowers and music and childhood and goals and dreams and fears and everything and nothing.

Due to a complicated living situation, he had neither a car nor a phone, so I drove down to Castle Rock almost every day to see him. In my head it was just fun, casual, flirting and I had NO dreams or goals about a relationship with him. But he was two years older than me, so I should have caught the hints when he said things like "I feel like I've known you my whole life," or "I never want to stop being with you." But silly little me didn't want to know the meaning behind those phrases so I laughed them off and continued my flirting. One night, after two or three weeks of this, he said,

"It may be too soon to ask you this, but I was wondering if you would want to date me?"

And silly little me was completely shocked by this statement. I blinked and opened my mouth only to realize that my brain had stopped working and I had no words to say. I awkwardly grabbed his hand and realized we hadn't even held hands yet.

I told him I needed time to think. He thought he had done something wrong or there was another guy in the picture. What he didn't realize is that I was woefully unprepared mentally as well as being emotionally independent enough to realize that there wasn't another guy in the picture, there was EVERY other guy in the picture. Looking back now, I realize that he meant no more to me than my good friends. I wasn't emotionally dependent on him in the slightest. Mostly I just liked the excitement and butterflies that came with flirting.

I made him wait a week and a half while I debated. I ended up telling him yes, I would be his girlfriend. Why? Because I thought "I'm almost 17, I'm allowed to have a boyfriend, so why not? Maybe I'll just try it and it'll be fun. Maybe I'm just being weird because I've never had a boyfriend before." Oh, how silly I was.

Things were great for a while, if a little awkward. And then little warning flags started appearing out of nowhere. Let's list them.

1. He called me all the time. If I didn't answer, he would call 3 more times. If I still didn't answer, he would call my best friend and ask her why I wasn't answering my phone and what that meant. 
2. Our phone calls would go like this: *ring ring ring* Me: "Hello?" Him: "Hi." Then the awkward silence would start screaming. So I would say: "What's up? Why'd you call?" And he'd say: "To talk to you." Then more awkward silence.
3. I found myself getting jealous of my freedom. Specifically, I resented the fact that I couldn't flirt with other guys because I was in this relationship. I resented it a lot and it created this little hard pit of negativity towards him and our "relationship"
4. I didn't want to touch him. I mean, we kissed and that stuff, but he always instigated it and when we were just sitting, I had no desire to be next to him, to talk to him, and definitely not to touch him. 
5. He annoyed me. A lot. Little things he did drove me crazy. Like randomly pulling the emergency brake when I was driving. Or trying to hold my hand while we climbed a fourteener. Or calling himself my "little monkey."
6. When he gave me flowers I didn't want them. I saw them as a symbol of his emotional attachment that was way, way more involved than mine. (Probably because I wasn't at all emotionally attached.)
7. When he sent me a sock monkey and candy while I was at Girls Camp I didn't want them. The other girls swooned and got jealous of me and I just wanted it to go away.
8. He spent an entire car ride to the movie theater telling me exactly what he liked about me, despite my efforts to shut him up. Things like "I like your ears. I like your eyelashes. I like your jeans. I like when you ignore me. I like, I like, I like, I like...." And I felt so incredibly uncomfortable about it. The WHOLE time.
9. I didn't want to introduce him to my family as my boyfriend. In fact, they still might not know that we were technically a couple. Surprise!

It got to the point where he was going to Mexico for a month and I was excited about it. I hoped that he would make out with some girl there and then break up with me. Before he left he gave me a card that (among other things) told me that I was like a comet, and when he was with me he was happy and full of light, but when he was not with me the world was dark and depressing.

He got back from Mexico and a full week passed before we had any contact whatsoever. Then he called me and said we should meet and talk. We both knew we were going to break up, and we both knew that we both knew it. But for some reason we wouldn't break up over the phone.

So we had the most ridiculous break up EVER.

I met him at a park in Castle Rock. He was sitting on a bench with headphones in. I walked up to him, we had an awkward hug, and proceeded to sit on opposite ends of the bench. He took out ONE headphone. Just the one. He then proceeded to watch the sun set and ignore my presence completely. So I made a bratty little noise of some sort, and he looked over and said "what?" Then looked back at the sunset.

And I about strangled him with the one headphone that wasn't in his ear.

Here's the thing, blogland. I was totally going to let him break up with me. Let him be the man and end things with me. I was maybe even going to pretend to be a little sad about it as I wished him the best in his life and drove away with one last little wave. But as I sat there and looked at him bobbing his head to the spanish music blasting out of the single headphone, I just couldn't handle it. So I said;

"Alright. This is ridiculous. You are being ridicul--"

"Look at the sunset," He said. "We always tried to see the sunset before and we never made it. But right now, the sun is setting, and we're still together. We made it." At which point he looked over at me and raised his eyebrows and gave a weird little half smile.

So I said, "......Allllllright........ Well, we need to break up."

To which he responded. "Yup."

And then I left.

He called me a year later and said he was going on his mission and wanted to see me. We met and it was the most bizarre experience ever. But maybe I'll talk about it another day. Or maybe not.

So here's what I learned from my first boyfriend (ish). 

1. Don't call your significant other a thousand times in a row. Definitely don't call their best friend when they don't answer.
2. If and when they do answer, have something to talk about.
3. Don't get in a relationship if you're not ready for it with that person. If it doesn't feel natural, it's not right.
4. If you don't want other people to know you have a boyfriend, don't have a boyfriend.
5. Compliments are like hipsters. When handled in moderation, they're fantastic and interesting and special. But when many of them are collected in the same space at the same time, you feel hugely uncomfortable and annoyed.
6. In a good relationship, you don't feel resentful that you "can't" flirt with other guys. You don't want to flirt with other guys because you know you have something way better.
7. When you breakup with someone, take out both of your earphones. Or at least offer to share.
8. Don't go to Mexico for a month.
9. Don't date someone who lives 30 minutes away if you're the only one with a car. Huge amounts of gas money.
10. If you're hoping your boyfriend cheats on you while he's in a foreign country, it might be a good time to break up with him.
11. Don't compare your significant other with a comet.
12. Make sure you are emotionally capable of honestly opening yourself up to someone. The summer that I dated this boy was the same summer that my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, so all of my (admittedly limited) emotional capacity was focused on that, and there was nothing left to spare for my blossoming young love  extremely needy, clingy would-be boyfriend.

The end.

I Got Tagged So I Have to Do it.

I secretly love surveys. I love filling them out on paper for random companies, I love doing those personality ones and I even love doing them over the phone when the starving college student calls right when I'm eating dinner. My sister Amber tagged me in this one, and I'm supposed to tag other people, but I'm too selfish (and I don't know how), so If you want to do it, just do it. If not, I don't care.

THE RULES:

1. Post these rules
2. Post 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions provided by the one who tagged you
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag
5. Tag 11 people



.... I'm not going to do numbers four and five. So sue me.

11 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. When I was little, I collected Teddy Bears.
2. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day.
3. I have never seen a scary movie.
4. I will eat, but I don't love, hamburgers, hot dogs, lasagna or pizza.
5. I am an adrenaline junky and a huge wuss, all at once. I'll be absolutely terrified to do something, and when the moment comes I'll be freaking out, but if it's exciting in any way I HAVE to do it. And after the first time I never want to stop.
6. My guilty pleasure is McDonald's breakfast.
7. I never swear ... not even in my head. It's not even like I catch myself thinking a swear word and I stop it... they're just not there... which is weird to me.
8. I always wake up with a song stuck in my head. My first semester at college I woke up everyday for like 2 weeks with "Good Morning, Beautiful" playing in my head. Weird.
9. I've been told I sing in my sleep. Which may explain number 8.
10. I love to draw and paint, and I think I'm pretty good at it, but I have never considered myself an artist. I probably never will.
11. I love to do the unexpected in normal, day to day things, and see how people react. Like when you're feeding someone (no matter the age) I like to stop the spoon/fork/fingers just before it reaches their mouth and just sit there. It's hilarious.

11 QUESTIONS AMBER ASKED ME:

1. Tell about the last thing that made you really laugh.
Hmm.... I'm going to say it was last night. Logan and I were talking on the phone and remembering this time when I was in Rexburg and we were laying on the couch. I think we were fighting for my phone or something? But I went to push him off the couch, and I only used a TINY bit of force, and he launched off the couch with more air and speed than was proportionate to the amount of force I used to push him. He landed on all fours and we both sat there in complete shock for a second. Maybe you had to be there. It was hilarious.
2. What type of situation makes you feel out-of place? What makes you feel comfortable?
I always feel out-of-place in my classes at BYU-I. I have no idea why, but for the first like month of every class I feel ridiculously out of place, even in the really easy classes.
I'm assuming the second question is asking what makes me feel comfortable in this situation.. Having to speak  in public or present something in front of the class makes me feel more comfortable. I'm so weird.
3. What is one thing about yourself you want to improve on?
I want to learn to be more compassionate. I want to become one of those people who can just tell if someone is having a bad day, and is able to say or do something to make it better. I want to live more outside of myself so I can focus more on compassionate service to others.
4. If you had 1 million dollars, but could use none of it on yourself, what would you do with it?
This is a hard one. I would either: Start a charity/non-profit that would help impoverished countries and/or the kids in India/the lost boys of Sudan. OR, I would distribute it to the people closest to me in order to help pay off their debts or set up secret college accounts for their and my posterity.
5. Tell about a memory that you remember often, but aren't sure why.
When I was really young I noticed all my siblings (or maybe just my sisters?) getting dressed up in these old scarves we had in our dress-up box. They were wrapping them around their heads like women did in the fifties and whatnot. I asked what they were doing and they invited me to join them. I grabbed a scarf and we headed out the door. We then proceeded to walk around the neighborhood holding up the peace sign with our fingers whenever cars would pass. I am just as confused about it now as I was then. Kids are weird.
6. What is something you are excited for?Everything. I'm incredibly excited for the future. To see where I take my life and where it takes me in return. I'm at this point of opportunity in my life where everything could change for me in as little as a few months. I have so many possibilities and opportunities that I honestly get that Christmas-Eve excited feeling in my stomach if I think about it for too long.
7. What did you eat today?
So far? Nothing. It's morning-ish. I'm about to go eat a bowl of Frosted Cheerios though. Or maybe a smoothie and some toast.
8. Name someone that makes you proud, and if you want, say why.
My little brother, Eli. He's in a pretty hard place in life right now --both at home and at school-- and he is just super rad and nice and a seriously good kid. Sometimes I ask myself how he got so much more awesome than me.
9. What is your dream job?
Other than being a good mom? I would love to be an editor at a publishing house and get paid to read and edit books all day. That would be the best. Either that, or to be a travel journalist and get paid to travel and review places. OR I would love to work for an international charity and get to travel the world and set up or help run the charity in various countries... making my life out of making a huge difference to people who have nothing... how cool would that be?
10. Describe the teenage you.
Ha! The teenage me... was/is a thousand different things. The early teenage me was super driven, super productive and made tons of money babysitting every weekend. I loved getting assignments and doing my best and having it be the best. I loved getting recognition for being smart. I guess I was pretty prideful. The mid-teenage me was semi-rebellious -- I stopped doing my homework, started ditching and was super bratty all the time. I had huge amounts of disdain for my classmates and my classwork. The late teenage me is hard to define because I'm still in it... for 5 more months. I'd like to believe I'm more balanced. I started getting into art which gave me the release I was looking for, I found the independence I needed at college and I don't rebel as much, and I don't crave recognition anymore.
11. What is your go-to food when you are hungry?
 Anything breakfasty. I love Carnation Instant Breakfasts. And cereal. And toast. And Nutella. Probably cereal is the one I go to most often though.

The end. Sorry to bore you. The next post is PROBABLY going to be about my first boyfriend ever. Be excited.

The "Nice Guy"

Warning: The following blog may be overly blunt and harsh. But it's my blog so I'll post what I want. 

This is what girls picture when they think "nice guy". Notice he clearly has confidence, is smiling, and is not playing WoW.

I can't even tell you how many times I've heard a man say "nice guys finish last" or "girls always say they want the nice guys, but it's not true." Or some other self-pitying comment. Well, here's the deal, kids. If you're calling yourself "a nice guy" it probably means you're weird. Sorry, but it's true.

This is what I want to say to (almost) every guy who has ever called himself a "nice guy" in reference to the popular saying referenced above; you're probably not the "nice guy," a girl pictures when she says she wants a nice guy. You're probably a little weird and/or insecure and/or awkward. Yeah, maybe you do treat women exceptionally well. I bet you are really a very kind person. But when you get right down to it, your "kindness" may come off as creepy and a little forced. Or your insecurities with women glare like a car following you with their brights on. Excusing your weirdness as being "a nice guy" doesn't make you less weird.

And honestly? Girls don't want "nice guys." Girls mostly want excitement and romance and confidence, topped with this semi-secret but totally obvious niceness and sensitivity and kindness.

When girls say they want a "nice guy," they are picturing one from a Nicholas Sparks novel-turned-movie. They want one who is confident and super sexy (coughChanningTatumcough) and who knows who he is and what he wants. They don't want a nice guy who is scared to talk to them. Or is needy. Clingy. Suffering from RM Syndrome. Has bad hygiene. Stands too close when they talk to girls. Doesn't talk to girls at all. Stares at girls too long when he does talk to them.  Uses awkward sentences. Forgets to flirt. Doesn't know how to flirt. Is insecure. And the list goes on.

Now, I'm not saying that there's no hope for these men, because there is. There is ALWAYS hope. There is always someone who will love your awkwardness and weird quirks. And as a bonus, ALL of those things have remedies.


So let's make a list of easy things all men can do that girls love:

1. Throw away your carpenter jeans. Women hate them. The only reason you should wear jeans with weird side pockets and a hammer loop is if you are actually using a hammer. The second you are done with the hammer, put on a nice pair of big boy jeans that fit you well.
2. Dress (up) well. I believe that if men knew how much women love a guy in a nice suit, they would never wear casual clothes again.
3. Wear sweatpants and/or athletic pants. For some reason, a man in good sweats/athletic pants is incredibly attractive to every female I know.
4. Smile. Smile often.
5. Eye Contact. But not too much. Remember to blink.
6. Make eye contact while you smile. Or while you laugh. Especially while you laugh. Few things can better draw women towards you than this. It sends a subtle but very clear message that what they're saying is important and interesting. It's the best way to flirt without talking.
7. Touch. But not creepily. Small touches on the arm or the back or shoulder communicate a lot. Whenever a guy touches me in casual conversation all my attention zeros in on that spot for a second and I lose track of what I was saying. It's a good trick for men to know how to use.
8. Ignore her. A little bit. Women love to be chased, but they also love to be ignored. I always say that she can't miss you if you're always there. Make her chase you every now and then... She'll love it and hate it all at the same time, and it will make her want you more. 
9. Listen. I'm always impressed and flattered when a guy remembers things from conversations we had days or weeks before.
10. Tease her. The moment I decide I'm going to be friends with someone is when they tease me. It breaks the "acquaintances" boundary and is one of the easiest ways to flirt.
11. Never tease about her body. Or if you do, do it tactfully in a way where she would never think there might be a tiny shred of truth in what you're teasing about.
12. Call her a nickname.
13. If you want her close to you, pull her close to you. Show her that you are attracted to her physically. 
14. Be a good person because you want to be a good person. Not because it looks good.
15. Have goals. 
16. Open doors for her and others. Don't pull out chairs though... I've always thought it's awkward.
17. Do sweet things because you want to, not because you feel obligated. If you're doing it out of obligation or guilt or to make yourself look better, everyone can tell.
18. Be Casual. A first date isn't a big deal. Don't read too much into anything and just go with the flow. That shows confidence.
19. Know who you are, what you want, and where you want to go. Even if you're shy, being confident in yourself, in what you believe, and who you are is crazy attractive.
20. Be Confident. Know what you deserve, and go for it.
21. Don't be a super creep. Feel how interested the girl is. Don't throw all these moves at a girl who barely gives you the time of day. If you can tell she's not interested, move on. Sweet things make a girl swoon if she's interested, but if she's not, you're instantly categorized as a super creep. Harsh, but true.

Kay, blogland, that's all for now. Guys, keep being nice, but stop being "a nice guy," because in the end, "a nice guy" = weird. A guy who is confident and also nice = winner.

(In)Sensitivity

If doctor phil and Dear Abby had a love child, it would be me. Except I don't ask for it -- people just volunteer personal information to me, unprovoked and unasked for. All the time. But without the weird letters and cheesy anonymous names.

More clearly stated, I have found myself, over the past six months or so, being approached by a ridiculous number of people (some friends, mostly vague acquaintances, and even a fair number of strangers) and presented with highly personal information, life stories, and/or confessions. Most of the time, it's on first dates. I have no idea why. But the first date confessions are ones I'll save for another blog post.

Out of these myriad conversations, I'll say about 5% deal with issues of extreme sensitivity: personal feelings, experiences, mistakes, and even confessions of highly illegal and harmful activities. It is about this five percent that I am writing today.

I am super honored that these people choose to confide in me, truly I am. I love that my friends and aquaintances and oddly enough, strangers, trust me enough to open their hearts and pasts and feelings to me -- something which has always been hard for me to do. I love talking about people's experiences and struggles and getting to know the people around me in a more personal, emotional way.

Each time a situation like this presents itself I am caught completely off guard. I usually get flustered and I always, always feel inadequate. I never feel like I am wise enough to deserve to be let in to someone's heart and trust so intimately. No matter what I say, I always feel like it isn't enough, or it isn't the right thing, or it'll be something they've heard a thousand and five times before.

Let's add to this situation my tendency to be overly blunt. I feel like when sensitive situations are discussed, it is often done with overly soft tongues, pretty words, and vague, cliche statements, which often enough leads to the issue being talking around and never really handled. It has always been my way of dealing with anything to cut right to the problem, ignore the emotional aspects of it, analyze it, and come up with a solution. The problem with this type of approach is that people who are in an emotionally, spiritually or mentally fragile state don't need that.

I feel like they're coming to me needing open-heart surgery, but the only tool I know how to use is an axe. Sometimes the patient is wearing a suit of armour, so the axe is exactly the tool I need to be using, and it works out well. Other times, the person is wearing what appears to be a suit of armor, so I swing the axe only to find out that it's really just aluminum foil shaped to look like tough metal. This is when I worry that real damage has been done.

I worry that my problem is insensitivity. In the past month or two, have had several good friends approach me out of the blue with extremely personal confessions of the type that fit into the aforementioned 5%. I honestly feel like I handled two of them completely wrong, and I am scared that I ended up damaging those friendships. They needed the type of careful surgery that can only be done with highly specialized medical tools, but all I had was a hatchet and a butter knife.

So I've made a new goal. I'm going to try and start handling these conversations more carefully and with more sensitivity, empathy, and love. I'm going to start listening more and giving advice less -- unless it is asked for. I'm going to throw away the axe and start using those sterile, sharp, effective medical knives that have been sitting in the back of my closet, mostly unused. Maybe this way I'll be more effective and I won't damage so many vital organs in the process.

As for those (potentially) damaged friendships, I am at a loss of what to do. Advice would be appreciated even if I don't know you and you just blog-stalked your way here. (Welcome.) Feel free to use either an axe or those sharp medical knives -- whichever you prefer.

P.S. (Be excited to read about the first date confessions. Ridiculous.)