WHEN YOU READ ALL CAPS DOES THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD YELL?

My Family is really, really funny. Seriously. Let me share with you some funny things that they say. The first section happened during a game of Catch Phrase with Me, my Mom, Eli, Amber and Lucas.

“A large group of women is called a…” 

“Gaggle”

“She flies with an umbrella and cleans people’s houses” 

“Witch!”

“When you talk too much… it flies out of ships…” 

“cannonmouth”

“When you’re not drunk you’re….”  

 “High!”

“A big whale… It’s also a book.” 

“Muh…. Muh… muh….muh!.... muh…..”

“I have a lot of….”  

“moles”

“The ultimate blank erection”   

“STEEL!”

“Thomas Edison was a …” 

“lightbulb”

“She sings that terrible song….” 

“Celine Dion” 

“It’s about a day of the week…”

“Rebecca Black!”

“What’s the day?” 

“Friday!”

“You’re not short but….” 

“Fat”

“Before you walk you have to “ 

“Run.” 

“talk”

“A Mail…”  

“order bride”

“You put clothes on this to put them in your closet” 

“Mannequin”

“What me and Amber do in the bedroom…..” 

"Uhhhhh...."

(During General Conference) Dad: “So where’s this woman that takes up two places, Eli?”

Eli:“Look for the really big woman.”

Lucas: "What starts with a C and is good to eat? Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!'

Dad: Emily, come rub my shoulders. 

Emily: No 

Dad: You need to.

Emily: Why? 

Dad: Because it’ll teach you how to treat your husband right.

Emily: “We were playing with Eli’s robot, and that’s way more exciting than cheesecake bars.” 

Mom: "NOTHING is more exciting than cheesecake bars!”

Amber once woke up from a nap and says this: “Okay Moose, here’s the deal buddy. If you can fly there, get me a scoop of ice cream and a ounce of Rootbeer for every scoop of drink.” She then rolled over and went back to sleep.

 

Lucas (regarding Amber, his wife) : "Have you ever thought about how GREAT kissing your sister might be?"

 Mom: "I don't want to hear any singing, or happiness or ANYTHING!"

Dad (to Mom): "You just get in the attic and be quiet!"

Mom: When plums are good they're good, but when they're bad, they're DUMB.

Dad: Who are you going out with tonight?

Me: Jordan

Dad: You can't. He has the wrong name.

Mom: You have too many friends with the same name. They either have to change their names or you have to get new friends.

Maybe you didn't find that as funny as I did. But I don't care because this is my blog and I'll post what I want. See you next time!

Date.

I went on a date the other night. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant. Since I'm culturally inept, he told me what to get, and whatever it was looked like this:(I think it's called Phu. Or Pho. Or something.)

And it had a thing called tripe in it. 

"You don't know what tripe is?" he asked. 

"Nope. Possibly a fish?"

He shook his head.

"Then I have no idea."

"Great. You're getting it."

Tripe looks like tiny little white tentacles complete with sucker bump things. It's not easy to chew and kind of reminds me of rubber bands. It has no flavor, aside from the flavor of the soup (which was ridiculously delicious.) But the bumps made me feel like my food was licking me.

"What is this?"

He smiled. "Do you like it?"

"It's weird, but not bad..."

"Will you finish eating if I tell you what it is?"

I promised I would.

"It's cow stomach."

Seriously. Which is pretty gross to think about, but also kind of exciting. And I finished my soup, as promised. (actually I brought some of it home in a doggy bucket and ate it for lunch the next day, since it was a HUGE portion.)

The End.

P.S (The rest of the date was good. We stayed at the restaurant until after it closed. We only left when I felt guilty because the employees were staring at us with those "I'm trying to hide how much I hate you for still being here" faces. (Hey, eating with chopsticks is sloow.)

We got Frozen Yogurt. 

We went to a park and climbed rocks

We talked for who knows how long on top of rocks.

The cold surface made me lose feeling in my legs, so we climbed down and went home.)

Embarrassed-ish

You know when someone has something stuck in their teeth, but they don't know it? And you sit there and stare at it, feeling weird because you don't know them well enough to decide if you should tell them or not? You know when you are actually that other person? Well I do.

Today during my second break at work I went to the bathroom. While washing my hands, I smiled at a little girl who had just walked in. When I glanced back to the mirror, smile still on my face, I saw to my complete horror that there was something stuck in my teeth. Not a small something either, but a big, green, highly noticable something right in between my two top front teeth.

"Crap," I thought. "How long has it been since I ate lunch?" 

Mentally I backtracked through my day.

I had started my lunch at 4:50 pm. I ended my lunch at 5:20 pm. I then took a break at 6:45. That means I had been walking around with something big and green and gross between my teeth for at least an hour and 25 minutes. Highly embarrased, I made a list of the people I smiled at.

1.  The boy in the back office who was clocking in at the same time as me.
2. A manager
3. My coworkers Andrew (We even walked back to produce/bakery together and he didn't say anything??), Marie, John, John's cute friend, guy working the lanes, and the other Andrew
4. The lady who had the security things at the doors beep at her
5. The guy who works at Starbucks
6. At least four random customers
7. 5 children asking for cookies
8. A lady who ordered a cake (we talked for at least 10 minutes and yet did she say anything? Not a word.)
9. Two ladies and their children in the bathroom

That means I communicated with at least 23 people over the course of that 80 minutes and not one of them bothered to point out the unsightly blemish in my mouth. That's not to mention the other people who could probably see the thing in my teeth from like 30 feet away. Have I mentioned that a significant number of the people I communicated with were highly attractive?

Thank goodness I always start my day like this:

So I can handle an embarrassing moment or two.

Colorado, Cars and Creeps

One of my favorite things of all time is driving with the windows down. Especially when my hair is blowing around, getting incredibly tangled and looking ridiculous. Something about it makes me actually giddy. A few days ago I was driving home and it was a beautiful day out so I rolled the windows down, turned the music up, and suddenly got so happy that a giggle burst out of me. Seriously.

I usually don't giggle unless I'm super tired, but something about the conditions that day turned me into a giddy little girl. Maybe it was the sun, or the warm wind, or the Rockies looking incredible, but whatever caused it, that feeling was addicting.

It looked a lot like this: incredible. Plus it was like 68 degrees and I had great music and a belly full of Target Bakery treats... needless to say I was in heaven.

 I decided to take a longer way home. And by that I mean, I was driving up my street, changed my mind, proceeded straight past my house, drove back to Littleton, and down through the entirety of Highlands Ranch (A good 30 minute ride). I was seriously contemplating going to Castle Rock when I became aware of the strange behavior of the car next to me. The driver was keeping pace with me. Deliberately. (And quite well).

My stomach did a little excited flip, because we all know what that means-- someone is checking me out while I giggle and laugh and sing along to the music all by myself-- and he's wanting to car flirt a bit, right? Smiling, I brush the hair out of my face and look over in a very coy manner, expecting to see this:

And what I actually see is a lot more like this:

A very old, very skinny old man, probably around 65. The old man smiled and looked at me rather expectantly. I sat there blinking, my shocked brain unable to process why he did not look like the shirtless boy in my mental picture. The man winked in what he probably thought was a charming manner, waved a bit, and proceeded to drive away, leaving me feeling incredibly creeped out as I watched his license plate get smaller and smaller. I was so confused/creeped out that I drove straight past the street I was supposed to turn on, and ended up having to drive another 3 miles before I was able to turn around, at which point I got lost for a good 15 minutes. The moral of the story: car flirting is bad news and will get you lost. The End.