In the Deli: ( a sequel to "A few boring tips about the Target Bakery")
We make our sandwiches, wraps and salads every morning, but most of them get between 3 and 5 days on the floor. Check the dates to get the freshest product.
We have a Panini Press and we're happy to grill any sandwich or wrap for you. The Turkey Havarti sandwich grilled is insanely delicious. Except for right now we're not allowed to use it because my manager's going a little crazy.
If you're looking for something from our hot case and we're out, ask us to fry it for you. The potato wedges, wings and chicken tenders only take about 6 minutes. Fried chicken takes about 20.
Need more dressing for your salad, or want a different kind? Just ask. We'll give you more for free.
The thinner you want your meat sliced, the longer it takes to reach the weight you want. Don't get impatient if you asked for 3 pounds of shaved turkey and it takes a few minutes.
If you ask for 3 pounds of shaved turkey, I will be fighting the urge to kick you in the shins with every one of the 4,000 times I have to push the slicer back and forth.
Don't talk on the phone while you place your deli order. It's rude and you almost always order the wrong thing, then get mad at me for it.
We have to unwrap every different type of meat or cheese you order, and sometimes we have to open new chubs. When you come in and order two slices of 6 different kinds of meat and 3 slices of 4 different cheeses, we do hate you a little bit.
Be nice to us, and we'll be nice to you.
It's almost impossible to get the exact weight you ask for. Don't be upset if you asked for half a pound and you get .55 instead.
You use more meat on sandwiches than you expect. About a 1/4 pound of meat per sandwich on average. That's only about 4 slices.
Old men are the most particular about the way their deli meat is sliced.
If you are an old man or particular, we're willing to work with you to get it sliced the way you want. Once it's the right thickness, ask what setting the slicer is on and remember it for the next time you order. That way it'll be just the way you like it every time.
Not every deli has the same slicers. The setting 2 at King Soopers/City Market is a lot thicker than the setting 2 at Target.
Don't order five different amounts of five different things then wander away while we slice, unless we write it down.
If you're not sure if you'll like something, ask us for a sample slice.
Baby Swiss cheese is incredibly delicious. As is Havarti. Try them.
Market Pantry meats are not good. Healthy Ones brand isn't that great either. If you want high quality, order the Archer Farms or the Kretschmar brand, but ask to try a slice before you order.
In General:
If your hair and makeup are perfectly done and there are no sweat stains, we know you didn't just come from working out, so don't bother trying to act like it.
Jake Jabs from American Family Warehouse shops in our produce section about once a week. He's a LOT older than the commercials. And he regrettably leaves the baby tigers at home.
The cameras are crazy powerful. Our security guard can sit in his office and follow your movements around the store with incredible ease. He can even zoom in to read the labels on the merchandise you're buying.
When you bring your small children in at 9:30 pm, expect them to go crazy and throw a fit. They should be in bed, not waiting for you to pick out new mascara.
Upper middle class trophy wives love Spandex. Why they think they should wear it to Target every day... I'm not sure. Unless they're shopping for a new husband, in which case they should know:
Women shop during the day, Men shop at night. Old people shop in the morning, teenagers shop in the evenings, and famous people shop never. Except for Jake Jabs, who comes in the early afternoons.
After having spent roughly 40 hours a week, every week for 5 months within the bowels of Target Liger, I have made a few observations. Read them. Or don't.
If you want fresh donuts, get them in the morning. They're made fresh every morning, so by the time 9:00 pm comes around, they've been sitting out for about 14 hours.
If you want fresh pies, get them in the evening. At the end of every day, we throw out the things that are set to go out the next morning. If their "best by" date is the 15th, we throw it out on the 14th, and then replace it with a fresh one. The pies go out every few days, so when we bake them, we usually don't set out the ones baked that day until the very end... between 7:00 and 9:00 pm.
We don't mix anything. Ever. Our baker gets all of her dough frozen, our pies come frozen, our cookies come in frozen cookie dough chunks, even our cakes come pre-baked and frozen. The french bread is still delicious though.
Our artisan breads only get 24 hours on the shelf, and we do a bake twice a day, one at 10:00 and one at 4:00. That's when those specialty breads will be the freshest.
If you don't find what you're looking for in the cake case or on the shelf, ask us. We usually have a ton of everything in the freezer.
Yes, it is unreasonable for you to come in at 5:00 pm and order a cake for 9:00 pm that same night. Don't get mad at me for telling you no.
If you are partial to anything and want to make sure that there are some when you come in, call us. We're happy to set some things aside for you.
Decide what cake you want to order before you call us over to take the order. We don't have time to sit there while you call six people to see if they're coming to the party or not and whether or not you should get filling, the 1/4 sheet or the 1/2 sheet.
We give out free cookies to kids. And we love it.
Don't abandon your merchandise on our shelves. I don't care that you decided not to buy your two year old that ipad. It doesn't belong with my bread.
The few days leading up to any holiday are when we put all our holiday goods on sale. After the holiday we price them at 50 or even 25% what they were a few days before, because we need to get rid of that stuff to make room for our new merchandise. It's a killer deal.
The hot chocolate cupcakes are addicting.
We do notice if you send your kid up at the beginning and the end of the shopping trip to get a cookie. We don't care. They're free.
The only difference between crunchy french bread and soft french bread is that the crunchy french bread bags have holes in them. Want crunchy french bread? Leave the bag open for a few hours.
Floured Telera Rolls and Club Rolls are the exact same thing. We just dump flour on the Telera Rolls before putting them in the bags.
No, I don't know where foot cream is. I don't know what cut of meat is best for making that weird foreign dish. I don't know if we have kid's shoes on sale. I don't care if you get mad that I don't know. I work in the bakery.
When you call Target looking for the Electronics department, don't press 2 for Bakery just to avoid listening to whole recording. The Bakery phone can't transfer calls, so you are going to have to call back and listen to the recording anyway.
High.
It's been a while, dearest Blog, and all zero of your loyal readers are probably wasting away in misery due to a lack of meaningless posts. So I decided to write a post. I don't know what it's going to be about. Yeah, I'm the worst blogger ever...whatever. Watch this video.
A while ago (around Halloween) I told my homegirl D-Town that I'd write a blog about her. Then I wrote a blog about my family being hilarious instead. Oops. So this will be her moment of fame in Blogdom. Danielle, this one's for you!
One day long ago, back when the world was new and I was a brand new Freshman at Arapahoe High School, I was sitting in in Mr. Rotschaffer's Geometry class, admiring the incredibly handsome Gator (who happened to be a human, contrary to what the name implies) who sat across from me. As I watched his incredible looking face and pretended I knew how to talk to boys, I couldn't help but notice something amazing happening behind his head. There was a short Jew...ish girl holding something incredible. A strange light was emanating from it. Choirs of angels were singing about it. The camera slowly zoomed in on it until it's glory filled the frame. Or something like that. It was round. It was telescopic. It held 150 crayola crayons.
It was the most beautiful thing in that room... aside from Gator's face/body. I knew had to be friends with the Jew who was lucky enough to hold that many crayons in such an incredible container. And Boom. We were friends. Now, six-ish years, 2 journalism camps, one (or two?) years on the newspaper staff, dozens of mormon dances and zero arguments later, we're still friends. In fact, we're even better friends than we were when I first saw her across the dimly lit Geometry classroom and she was a complete stranger. I'd go so far as to say we're acquaintances.
Probably my junior year is when I started bringing Danielle to hang out with my closest group of friends, who I called The Ranch Kids. And she fit right in as the token Jew in the group. Thank goodness, because the Jew we had before her was a jerk. Seriously. We've done lots of great things together. Here's a preview.
But anyway, she's short, she's awesome, she likes to beat me up. She took me to an amazing concert for my 19th Birthday.
She came to Lake Powell with me. Her laugh is infectious, she's never-endingly positive, always supportive of not only me but my whole family, and I'm basically super blessed to have her as my closest friend. And this is the nearest thing she'll get to a love letter from me. But don't worry, Blogland, our love is purely heterosexual... mostly. Okay, entirely...... Now that I have you all wondering about my closet, let's watch a GIF of her beating me up.
The end. The Blog about you as promised, Danielle. Oh, I should also mention that she was a skanky minnie mouse for Halloween. But she was wearing gloves, so at least her hands were modest.
My Family is really, really funny. Seriously. Let me share with you some funny things that they say. The first section happened during a game of Catch Phrase with Me, my Mom, Eli, Amber and Lucas.
“A large group of women is called a…”
“Gaggle”
“She flies with an umbrella and cleans people’s houses”
“Witch!”
“When you talk too much… it flies out of ships…”
“cannonmouth”
“When you’re not drunk you’re….”
“High!”
“A big whale… It’s also a book.”
“Muh…. Muh… muh….muh!.... muh…..”
“I have a lot of….”
“moles”
“The ultimate blank erection”
“STEEL!”
“Thomas Edison was a …”
“lightbulb”
“She sings that terrible song….”
“Celine Dion”
“It’s about a day of the week…”
“Rebecca Black!”
“What’s the day?”
“Friday!”
“You’re not short but….”
“Fat”
“Before you walk you have to “
“Run.”
“talk”
“A Mail…”
“order bride”
“You put clothes on this to put them in your closet”
“Mannequin”
“What me and Amber do in the bedroom…..”
"Uhhhhh...."
(During General Conference) Dad: “So where’s this woman that takes up two places, Eli?”
Eli:“Look for the really big woman.”
Lucas: "What starts with a C and is good to eat? Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!'
Dad: Emily, come rub my shoulders.
Emily: No
Dad: You need to.
Emily: Why?
Dad: Because it’ll teach you how to treat your husband right.
Emily: “We were playing with Eli’s robot, and that’s way more exciting than cheesecake bars.”
Mom: "NOTHING is more exciting than cheesecake bars!”
Amber once woke up from a nap and says this: “Okay Moose, here’s the deal buddy. If you can fly there, get me a scoop of ice cream and a ounce of Rootbeer for every scoop of drink.” She then rolled over and went back to sleep.
Lucas (regarding Amber, his wife) : "Have you ever thought about how GREAT kissing your sister might be?"
Mom: "I don't want to hear any singing, or happiness or ANYTHING!"
Dad (to Mom): "You just get in the attic and be quiet!"
Mom: When plums are good they're good, but when they're bad, they're DUMB.
Dad: Who are you going out with tonight?
Me: Jordan
Dad: You can't. He has the wrong name.
Mom: You have too many friends with the same name. They either have to change their names or you have to get new friends.
Maybe you didn't find that as funny as I did. But I don't care because this is my blog and I'll post what I want. See you next time!
